Right now, I am f*cking exhausted. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep, my brain wants to shrivel up and migrate to another country and honestly, I think I left my sanity in costa. And what is making me so my brain wants to take a vacation from my body you ask? Me. I am.
Overthinking will be the death of me. Scrutinizing every moment, every embarrassment or god knows what else isn’t fun- in fact I would go as far as to say that its torture. Amongst the mistakes floating around my head last night was the ‘What ifs?’ ‘the ghosts of boyfriends pasts’ and the strange but not so socially acceptable thought that kinder happy hippos are far superior to Buenos, albeit a quarter of the size and meant for kids.
The grand old question that we will a, never get the answer too and b, aren’t quite sure we wanted an answer if we could. What if, we stopped what iffing ourselves? Isn’t that a slightly complex question for a Thursday morning.
At times we are very much our own worst enemy, we know flaws, secrets and the guilt we carry around about our past selves. It’s an endless battle between the person you are and the little voices that will *probably* never go away- and probably amplify after a few too many gins and chocolate. Nonetheless, does the fact that you were once a spoilt little mare, really an issue? Is it worth the endless hours of torture because- you said a flippant comment without thinking really worth not sleeping ? It’s not.
What if’s are our own way of making ourselves feel worthless. It’s an excuse we use to keep holding ourselves back from taking a leap in our lives. Starting a new job, jumping into a relationship, dancing around a mountain- why are we holding ourselves back with past miniscule let downs.
The ghosts of exes past.
Full disclosure, I very nearly slide down the tear stained slope that would be getting back with my ex over Christmas. I missed him. I did eventually come to my senses but it is a situation my brain comes back to time and time again. ‘What if he’s the one but at the wrong time’,’ What is I end up alone?’. As crazy as it sounds, we all had our lives planned out when we were children. Our childhood selves believed we could conquer the world – and yes, it’s true we can. Over time plans change but many (just like me) clung to the idea of finding someone and creating a life with them. I’m 25 and have no prospects of finding my person, or settling down in fact and whilst I know in my heart of hearts it’s something I am most definitely not ready for its something I crave. I crave a life where I have a confidant always, and it not be a box set on Netflix(currently Grace and Frankie btw).
Anyway, moving back from that little tangent. Exes are similar to what if’s in the sense that sometimes we can’t let them go. Yet, in the same sense they are completely polar opposite. We move on, we find a new love and we begin a whole other life- exes can be left in the past, but the ‘what if’s we carry around with us aren’t so easy’.
Breaking up with someone can be a long drawn out process and its difficult when families, friends and bat shit crazy reasoning’s come in to play, but we all deserve to be happy. We all deserve more than what we settle for. Going back to an ex, or even the thought of it is settling. In a world when we are constantly told we need to ‘find ourselves’ why the bloody hell do we keep Finding our ex?
If I am honest.
If I am honest, this post is a massive brain fart on paper. After not being able to switch off and pressing the ‘ please help get me through the day button’, I just wanted to write down something I think will help all over thinkers.
‘What if’s don’t matter, thank your mistakes and move on’.
I am full aware that quoting yourself can be deemed as sad and I am pretty sure I agree but please bear with me. Think back on your mistake that keep you awake to the early hours(and your exes if you like) and ask yourself ‘if you were to do it again would you?’ Have you done it again?
If the answer to those questions is no, then lessons have been learnt and your morals have been defined. Yes, also doesn’t mean you are wrong, it means you have a reason for going back and that reason should never be knocked. And if you don’t know, it simply means you don’t know you’re own strength, cause (and I can’t stress this enough) you are bloody epic.
I never meant for this post to be as long or as ranty- in truth I don’t even know if I should put this up. What I meant by this post is those thoughts we have floating around our heads a 4 in the morning are just thoughts. Do you really think someone will hate you for taking the last can of beans or after a hard day you rolled your eyes into 1996 because someone was being an idiot ;just for the bants’. If they do, it says so much more about you than it does them.
If you disagree that HH are superior to Buenos, I ask you to do this before a sarcastic comments appear. Have a HH with a cup of tea before bed. Happiness right there.